Allyship: The Conversations We’re Not Having Enough

We don’t know what we don’t know.

‘The battle for equality, equity, and inclusion is not whether one woman can or should fight alone. We need men alongside us. Yet, more often than not, men don’t fully grasp what women go through, and without that understanding, their ability to help is limited.’ This truth struck me deeply during a conversation with a renowned feminist publisher — and it has stayed with me since.

At ILSS, through seven cohorts of the Women’s Leadership Program, we’ve seen this reality unfold time and again. Women are forced to carry the impossible burden of balance: excelling at work, nurturing families, mentoring peers, and constantly proving their right to lead. Society calls it “resilience.” In truth, it normalises exhaustion and fuels the dangerous myth that women alone must fix what is broken. Strength, when demanded without support, becomes a subtle form of harm.

And yet, a harder question followed me: Have I ever truly invited men into this dialogue? Have I asked them about their own struggles, blind spots, and hesitations? Patriarchy does not harm women alone; it conditions men too, differently and deeply.

This realisation felt urgent. I knew I had to begin by listening. I turned to the men I know — friends, colleagues and seniors — and asked them, candidly, about their own journeys as allies (or their struggles to be). I spoke to men from all walks of life, each with his own story, his own hesitations, and his own moment of reckoning.

What I heard was no polished speeches. No rehearsed lines. Just raw honesty, as I heard them narrate their sides of the story.

And here’s the truth I synthesised. Stepping into the space of allyship isn’t easy for men either.

Why Men Hesitate

Many men want to be allies but aren’t sure how. They worry about saying the wrong thing, overstepping, or being perceived as performative. One respondent candidly admitted,

‘I’ve been in rooms where I knew I should speak up… but I froze. Not because I didn’t care, but because I wasn’t sure if my voice would help or harm.’

This uncertainty is only made harder by social conditioning. In most professional spaces, men are rewarded for being decisive, in control, and always confident — not for admitting they don’t have all the answers.

The irony is that real allyship often begins with that very admission.

The Turning Point

For some men we spoke to, the journey to becoming an ally began at home through a partner, a daughter, or a colleague whose struggles they could no longer ignore. For others, it came through a jolt at work — an uncomfortable moment that forced them to stop, reflect, and see things differently.

A quote from the conversation reads, ‘I thought I was already doing my bit — hiring women, giving them opportunities. But then a colleague told me she didn’t feel safe speaking in meetings I led. That hit me. I realised that allyship isn’t just about giving space; it’s about making sure the space is genuinely safe.’

These turning points mattered because in that moment, allyship stopped being just an idea and became something real, something lived, a responsibility they could no longer step away from.

Courage, Vulnerability, and Consistency

The men we heard from didn’t pretend to have it all figured out. They spoke about the awkward first attempts, asking questions that felt clumsy, challenging a friend’s sexist remark and getting laughed at, or stumbling over language in a DEI workshop.

And yet, they kept going.

As one person put it, ‘If the fear of making mistakes stops us, nothing changes. We have to be willing to look a bit foolish in the short term for something bigger in the long term.’

At ILSS, we believe this is where courage meets vulnerability. Allyship isn’t about a single grand gesture; it’s about the everyday act of showing up, listening, learning, unlearning, and then trying again.

Leaning on Each Other

One of the richest threads in these conversations was the need for men to lean on each other in this journey.

Too often, men committed to gender equity feel isolated. They may be the only ones in their leadership circle pushing for a new policy or questioning bias in recruitment. Without peers to talk to, the work can feel exhausting — even risky.

‘When I started calling out bias in hiring, a few people in my team thought I was just being “too sensitive”. Having a group of other men who understood what I was trying to do made a world of difference,’ confided one during the conversation.

It’s crucial to create spaces where men can speak openly about their doubts, their missteps, and their progress. These aren’t spaces to centre men’s experiences over women’s, but to help men build the resilience and clarity they need to show up better.

The Role of the Ecosystem

It’s not just about individual men doing the work. Organisations, networks, and the broader ecosystem have a role to play in making allyship sustainable.

Policies matter. Training matters. But so does modelling. When leaders, especially male leaders, speak openly about their allyship journey, it normalises the conversation.

At ILSS, we’ve seen that when men are invited into equity work not as ‘helpers’ but as co-creators of change, their engagement deepens. They stop treating allyship as a favour and start seeing it as part of their own leadership identity.

‘This isn’t charity. This is about building better teams, better organisations, and a fairer world, and I benefit from that too’, as one respondent summed it up.

Moving Forward

So, how do we create more of these spaces for men to step up?

• First, we have to acknowledge the fears and reluctance that hold them back, without judgment.
• Second, we must design opportunities for honest, peer-supported conversations.
• Third, we must embed allyship into leadership expectations, not as an optional extra but as a core competency.

The Men as Allies conversation was a reminder that there’s no perfect starting point. Some men are years into their journey; others are just beginning. What matters is creating conditions where both feel they can contribute, learn, and grow.

And perhaps the biggest takeaway? Allyship isn’t about men ‘saving’ women. It’s about shared responsibility for a more equitable world — and the courage to start with ourselves. As one of our colleagues so powerfully said, ‘If I wait until I’m sure I’ll get it right, I’ll never start. But if I start, I know I’ll get better.’

At ILSS, we’re committed to holding that space where starting is encouraged, mistakes are part of the process, and allyship is a shared journey. Because when men exercise courage, vulnerability, and authenticity, the ripple effect is profound.

Note: This blog wouldn’t have been possible without the men who chose to be part of these conversations — showing up with honesty, vulnerability, and courage. Though I keep their names confidential, I would like to acknowledge them with deep gratitude. Thank you for trusting me, and for lending your voices to a dialogue that I believe the world needs more of.

About the Author

Trisha Ramesh
Intern, India Leaders for Social Sector (ILSS)

Trisha is a postgraduate student of Gender Studies at Ambedkar University, Delhi, and currently supports the Emerging Women’s Leadership Program at ILSS as a Program Management Intern. In this role, she contributes to coordination, logistics, and documentation, while learning from the everyday practice of feminist leadership.

She has previously worked with organisations such as Impact and Policy Research Institute (IMPRI), Misfyt Trans Youth Foundation and MarchingSheep where she explored gender, sexuality, and inclusion through research and writing. With a strong interest in advocacy, she is especially drawn to work that makes feminist knowledge accessible and grounded. She sees gender in everything—from policy to everyday interaction and is curious about how structures of power shape lived experience.